Change.

God do I hate it.

I realized a newer level of my disdain for change, as I read through posts made around livejournal by friends. Thoughts abound to elder days of roleplay and conversation.

I miss those days. I'd give all of my Poser art, the hours of online gaming with Half-Life and it's mods, just to get a couple minutes of those days. My golden days weren't out at high school, wasn't out on some random escapade with friends. It was online. Roleplaying.

Not quite sure if that is pathetic, strangely poetic, or just absurdly fucking pointless and maybe I need to stop being a geeky pussy.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Da-Da-Daddo. a.k.a. nega-hero.

I'm not sure how I get into these kinds of thoughts. Memories and off-track dreams. It's funny how solitary confinement will do that to you. Let you talk to yourself, think and envision without any guiding environmental reactions. Bringing up doubts and fears that I've never had before. I'm fearless, aren't I? Aren't I a man? Am I not an intelligent and unique? As the song goes, "Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile". This mental battle, epic and bloody. I just want to break away, I guess. Get away from all the familiar and comfortable, and start anew. And I fucking hate change, and yet here I am longing for it. Nothing is bad about what I have, I love it. I'd hate to move it. And yet.. Sometimes I want something different. I want to go back in time. I want to rewrite aspects of my life. Lead it in a different direction. I just want to tell myself, 'Fuck you'. Is that so wrong? To call yourself a fake, a liar, a fraud? Someone s...
Read more

Defeatist.

I don't like my friends, most of them anyway. I don't like my government, nor do I like the way I'm expected to be. Am I having another anti-social session? Am I losing that barrier, that shield, that tie that keeps me in place? Am I going to finally snap and unleash upon everything? Nah, too bothersome. But why am I so damned stubborn? So determined? So resiliant of the repetition that continues? I hate it, I dislike it, I favor something different. I let the changes that occur naturally float by, without standing by any of them with interest. This time it isn't for the honor. It's for the doubt. Doubt me.
Read more
Thirst of a beast, Attention of a mob. Clouds of the mind, Weeze of the breath. I thought I could always be infallible. That nothing could bring me down and stop me, pull me back or hold me down. I was wrong. Nothing was working, none of my practices and determinations. My willpower was failing, and I always though it unstoppable. The rut I was in, cannot be achieved by anyone else. The darkness, the cold, the headache. It was like being in the chamber again, the mask removed and lungs on fire. No where to go, unable to see. Hearing those around you cough, weeze, choke, and vomit. The air was so thin but full. I couldn't breathe. And then it started to settle and slow. Everything fell back into place. My will power could resume its dominance. My mind was getting at ease. The mob was silenced. The beast was quenched. It's frightening to not know thyself.
Read more