Female Rejection.

I don't trust anyone. I'm cold and dark. Uncaring yet generous. I meet people, and yet I'm shallow in perception of them. I cannot stop thinking less of those I associate with. I cannot stop thinking myself better than everyone else. I cannot stop calling myself God. I am perfect. I am infallible . I am incorrigible . Nothing can stop me, nothing can hold me back, nothing can lull me forwards. I am going to take over, and you're going to help me. No matter if you know it or not. What will be the outcome of my silent persona? Of my decisions and chilling perception of those around me? What will happen in ten years? Twenty? Thirty? Will I still be here commanding the masses, or will I be just as insignificant as everyone else on this planet. A faded memory on a marble stone in the middle of a barren, quiet graveyard. But I am immortal. I cannot die. Show me that I can. Find way to destroy me. I am invincible. Numb. Rigid. Tired. Am I doing things right, or am I performing...

Makes a good point, that I feel like refering to others, as it explains directly my use of a word. Faggot. I use this word liberally, as a word of weakness. I assign no sexuality to it, when I use it. Those of you that know me, know this. Those that don't, and get offended? I'll be fucking willing to kneel down and give you oral sex, to prove my point. Fuck homosexuality's take on the word. Faggot is a notoriously good word for description. I use it. Get over it. For your dishonor...

I know I'm rough to handle, to be with. To converse with, to debate with. But does that ever make my points less valid? Just because I give them to someone bluntly and straight without the passion of emotion? The past week and so has been... Weird. I've been dealing with people lying about their reality persona, people getting upset without much need. And once again, several people leaning into my shoulder a bit much. I listened. I gave my opinion. I'm hated. And on top of that, I cannot indulge my fantasies of perspective. My so precious roleplay has been stripped from me. I get it when I want it, but I realized... I have very, very few serious roleplayers. Those I can take a role and indulge into it well over time, rather than just simple quickie scenes for indulgance of their libidos. Everything isn't as smooth as it should be for everyone else. Yet am I so detached that things move smoothly for me? Am I like the bubbling brook in the forest? Rushing over things that...

I know a lot of people come to me for my opinions. To listen to me, because I will honestly keep an ear to their ranting and raving. But I realized I picked a horrible day to accept that position. Horrible. One woman I could handle confessing her troubles. But two approached me. Two were telling me how much men were fucktards and worthless. Stupid and moronic, a reason to create genetic bombs to single out all the men on Earth. And.. I couldn't handle it. I couldn't form opinions, I was too smothered in emotions that I have difficulty expressing on my own, let alone understanding in others. And then I did the worst thing that I should have ever done. I stopped listening to them both. I feigned it, rambled on with some bullshit statement that made it appear as if I was listening. I put my oral skills of being verbose nature to use, and.. Did the wrong thing. This will be one dull spot on my honorable armor that might take awhile to buff out... I'm sorry.

Thirst of a beast, Attention of a mob. Clouds of the mind, Weeze of the breath. I thought I could always be infallible. That nothing could bring me down and stop me, pull me back or hold me down. I was wrong. Nothing was working, none of my practices and determinations. My willpower was failing, and I always though it unstoppable. The rut I was in, cannot be achieved by anyone else. The darkness, the cold, the headache. It was like being in the chamber again, the mask removed and lungs on fire. No where to go, unable to see. Hearing those around you cough, weeze, choke, and vomit. The air was so thin but full. I couldn't breathe. And then it started to settle and slow. Everything fell back into place. My will power could resume its dominance. My mind was getting at ease. The mob was silenced. The beast was quenched. It's frightening to not know thyself.

Neither of us have said sorry, but we're talking again. Score one for the universe. Boredom is settling in hard. I need to break out, and soon. Fuck what I was intending, I'll take anything. And I have something in mind... Nothing much to say other then that. My mind is mostly content, there isn't anything for you to peer at, to question or doubt, to inquire from. I am.. Happy. Deal with it.

Staggering a bit. Like there was concrete in his glove when he hit me across the brow. POW! Across the jaw, I stumble but don't fall. What's keeping me up? What's keeping me going? How do I fight something as big as this? It's unstoppable, a force I can't contend with. Nothing I do brings it harm, nothing but the determination to keep standing there. It hesitates at my ability to stand. My desire to stand. But am I doing the right thing? Should I continue on with this, and do it this way? Or should I just hit the mat, call for the towel, or step out? Why does life have to carry such a mean right hook? Here's my cry for Adrian. For the honor.

How dare you. How dare you imply that I retain no honor. How dare you give me such disrespect. How dare you call me a fucking liar! But you know what burns me most? Is that you say I lied about the statement, given to me by a friend. That you basically called them a liar. HOW DARE YOU! You blindly charge in, you rant and rave, you make wild claims and refuse to listen to my calmed voice. You bum-rushed a beast that is whispering to you. Shouldn't that have been the sign, the suggestion that you were making a mistake? That you were wrong? No. Of course not. And that is why I sent not only my friend, but theirs and the armies aligned with after you. That is why everyone is yelling at you now. That is why everyone is clearing up that you are wrong. That you are dishonorable. That you are disrespectful. That you, lied. Fuck you, says my coat of arms. Fuck you, says Kalvara.

Tell me, and I'll forget. Show me, and I may not remember. Involve me, and I'll understand. - American Indian Proverb

I don't like my friends, most of them anyway. I don't like my government, nor do I like the way I'm expected to be. Am I having another anti-social session? Am I losing that barrier, that shield, that tie that keeps me in place? Am I going to finally snap and unleash upon everything? Nah, too bothersome. But why am I so damned stubborn? So determined? So resiliant of the repetition that continues? I hate it, I dislike it, I favor something different. I let the changes that occur naturally float by, without standing by any of them with interest. This time it isn't for the honor. It's for the doubt. Doubt me.

Frankie. This one goes out to her, and how she's baffling and confusing my mind. She goes away, I suspect from her internet connection being down. Hell if I know, she's just been away. I got curious to what was up, so sent her a message. And surprisingly enough, got something back to me in due time. She had a Yahoo account she made, to temporarily continue on while her broadband is returned. She may have been doing foul at that time, may have distanced herself from me then and I inadvertantly stepped in upon her unwantingly. If that was the case. Oops, sorry. I'll go. But no. She took something I said pretty hard, and I wonder if things have just been wild and rough on her as of late or what. I don't know if Ty is okay, I don't know what's been going on with her household affairs, don't know anything. Just.. Confusion. Quiet and cold confusion, rather than the warmy and fuzzy norm. But she's upset, she said she would distance me again. I'm annoyed wi...

Ever neglect to do something, that turns into a mistake that should have never happened, and will never be corrected? A problem that develops, solves itself without you, and moves on to continue its equations? I have. I can't take my mind off of it, it boggles and vexes me, pains and tires me, I find it escapable and unavoidable. And there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I always encourage people to press on, that time can fix anything. But I'm not believing my own advice. I know it's a lie, I know it isn't true, that time can't fix everything. Some things, are just going to be in the way, some things are going to be eternal struggles. They always say chicks dig scars. Does that include scars on the heart? For the honor.

Where is it all going? Why is the insights to the triangle of time, blurry and blank? White and unseen. Why can I not foretell my future? Why can I not remember my past? Where am I? Do I know what I want, am I able to grasp it, do I want to share it with others? Is it all worth it? ..... .......... Yes, it is.

I'm not sure how I get into these kinds of thoughts. Memories and off-track dreams. It's funny how solitary confinement will do that to you. Let you talk to yourself, think and envision without any guiding environmental reactions. Bringing up doubts and fears that I've never had before. I'm fearless, aren't I? Aren't I a man? Am I not an intelligent and unique? As the song goes, "Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile". This mental battle, epic and bloody. I just want to break away, I guess. Get away from all the familiar and comfortable, and start anew. And I fucking hate change, and yet here I am longing for it. Nothing is bad about what I have, I love it. I'd hate to move it. And yet.. Sometimes I want something different. I want to go back in time. I want to rewrite aspects of my life. Lead it in a different direction. I just want to tell myself, 'Fuck you'. Is that so wrong? To call yourself a fake, a liar, a fraud? Someone s...